Pink Lines.

“Two pink lines means I am pregnant” I explain joyfully to Wale showing him the pregnancy strip.
“We are going to have a baby,” I add.
      I have been waiting for this even though there’s no ring on my finger. I’ve been waiting for this even though I am yet to meet his parents, as they have not been in Nigeria for a while, according to him. He has met mine.
     Wale smiles and starts to leave the bathroom without saying a word. He is the quiet type. I hear him say, “hello Ade, can you come to my place after work?”
He must be on the phone with his friend Ade who is also a doctor.
     Ah! Wale is overly protective. Is it not too early to start ante-natal? Well, what do I know? This is my first pregnancy.
     When I come out from the bathroom, I see Wale standing close to the window and looking out. I tiptoe to hug him from behind, pressing my breasts to his back. He has a body like an NBA star. He turns around to kiss me and we move to the bed still kissing. He stops to tell me that he wants to get me an orange juice. Ah! Wale pampers me too much!
      As he goes out, I slip out of my blue gown leaving myself nude. When he returns back to the bedroom, I sit up on the bed to collect the glass of juice from him. I drink it all up and I lean closer to Wale to continue from where we stopped but he says, “Baby you should lie down, you need to rest.”
      I wake up a while later feeling disoriented. I scan the room with my half opened eyes and I notice it is dark outside. As I try to sit up, I feel the wetness of the sheet. I grope for the light switch that is just above the bed. I look down to see that the blue flowered bed sheet is bloodstained.
Ah! What has Wale done to me?

@elizabetholic

Thaw

You go through your contact list and stop at his number; you have been doing this almost every day, just staring at his phone number like it is his very handsome face. The last time you called must have been two months ago but it felt like forever. This depends on who is counting.
The last time he reached out to you was when he told you there was someone else and begged you to stay away. You have been sure he loved you more than you did, so none of that made any sense to you because you never thought he would let you go. You actually believed you held all the power. You did not know when you handed it over to him and now you had to stay away. You have tried to stay away.
Right now, you dial his number because your fingers wanted it, but your heart did not. Or is it the other way round? You stop the call from going through to save yourself from the mistake.
You have tried to be busy with other things, work, friends and different guys. Still, nothing has changed with you.
He calls back and you could have sworn your call did not go through. He says “hello” in that voice you once loved, but now you hate. Do you really?
You tell yourself you will be succinct. Just say “hi”, ask how he has been and delete his number afterwards. You are frowning at yourself. This cannot happen again.
“Hey you. What’s been going on?” You start.
“Just work you know. Are you okay?” he asks.
“Sure, I’m alright.” you reply almost stumbling upon the question because you have been expecting it.
Your fingers are numb and you are unable to end the call as planned.
Now there is a silence, except for the sound as a result of the oscillatory movement of the fan and the low sound of music coming from your neighbour’s speaker. You are thinking about how you have been skipping most of your favorite songs because they make you think of him; how you sat with your single friends round a table on February 14th and gave fake smiles at lovely couples your friends kept pointing out to you…
His voice breaks the silence and stops your thoughts.
“Are you sure you are alright?”
Now you wait a little longer, you want to give an honest reply, but you are no longer sure.
He breaks the silence again and tells you about how he has not been himself since he let you go; how “that other girl” was nothing like you; how they did not last for a month and how he had been too scared to reach out to you because he did not think you would want anything to do with him again. He knows he did hurt you.
He calls your name and says he misses you, you tell him you feel the same way. He talks a little more, and you talk back. He says something funny; you just lay there, smiling at your ceiling.
You can feel your senses come to life, like you have been a neglected plant and he is the water you needed.
You can’t stop smiling.
You can feel yourself slowly giving in to him, the words, his voice…
He continues saying sweet things and now you help convince yourself- one more chance with him will not kill you. There is no better person out there. Not for you.
Then you let yourself fall again and hope he catches you and never lets you go this time.
You forgive him for the past without him asking and hope it lasts this time, the calls, the laughter, the moments…forever.
You can only hope.

@elizabetholic

Fade II

Click here to read ‘Fade’ if you haven’t.

---

 

She was playing Adele’s album and the curtains were still drawn down. It was 10am Monday morning.
Yes, Emeka said he needed to find himself and so she needed distractions.
She picked up her phone and decided she’ll be more responsive to other people but it felt like she was invisible. Everybody seemed to be busy with their happy life.
She’s been in this position before.
Broken hearted.
She knows how to get past it.
She had gotten past it with Elvis, her first love. When he broke up with her it wasn’t as mild as Emeka had done.

Her relationship with Elvis had been childish now that she thinks of it, but she had loved the sweet innocence of it. Him waiting for her until her lectures were over, she doing the same. The texts and calls which happened more times than they ate in a day. The kisses and tight hugs.

Then on their one year anniversary in 2011, he had gone for an old school boys reunion and she wasn’t his date. She had called all day because that’s how she is. He didn’t pick, so she logged into his Facebook account(They had exchanged each others password because, like I said, childish love).

She saw a message from “Nenye” at the top of his Facebook messages and she opened to read the latest which was Dec16.

Elvis Obiora: Hun, are u still going 2 b my date for dat occasion?
Nenye Agu: Ah, u don’t av 2 ask again Elvis. M even planning on wearin dat dress you bought 4 me. 🙂

She had scrolled up to see if he had met Nenye before her but felt worse when she saw their first chat ever which was dated Oct31st.

Elvis Obiora: Hey pretty, tnx 4 accepting my fwnd request.

Damn. She couldn’t continue so she logged off and sent him a message on bbm. At least this way she’ll know when he had read it.

FabChisom: do u know a Nenye Agu?
(Her blackberry tour network was on 3g so the message already has “d” on it, then “r” in the same second.)    
KingElvis: saw ur calls, it’s loud here so we can’t talk. Yh she’s my cousin.
Chisom: is she wit u?
KingElvis: no.
FabChisom: liar! Player no. 1. Douche bag!
KingElvis: I’m tired of u. it’s ova Chisom.

(The above chats, occurred in 2011, just incase you found the shorthand irritating.). She didn’t believe it so she called and he picked this time and said “It’s over Chisom. O. V. E. R.”

He really did spell it. She didn’t even get closure – took her 2 years and many short term relationships to get over him. Then she met Emeka and he did the same at the end, only milder.

This was not the kind of distraction she needed. She shook her head to erase the painful memories and paid attention to the WhatsApp message she had subconsciously read. It was from Emma. He was asking what she’ll want for her birthday.
She replied without thinking “A lesser heart”

---

 

Time traveled but you still missed Chisom. You dated another one after her. You would have believed you loved her if you had never been with Chisom-but you’ve been with her.  You know how generous, forgiving and simple love can be.
You lied when you said you wanted to find yourself. You just wanted more or was it less of what you had with her. And now you had regrets.
You missed her laughter, her voice, her touch, her witty response… her big heart.
You missed kissing her lips, the sugar taste which you never seemed to get enough of.
You missed lying down next to her-the way you held yourselves like you were transiting into one being. She was everything you needed. Then and now.
Now you’re as lonely as a picture on the wall.

You look at the gold card and the names richly printed on it

“Chisom weds Emma <3”

She has sent you her wedding invitation card.
You can hear oruka ti dowona playing from a distance.

@elizabetholic

Fade

You felt blessed to have her, conversations with her were always therapeutic.

You found yourself smiling while looking at her, those beautiful eyes and the perfect smile.

You loved how she woke up happy, no matter what happened the previous night.

Then you got fed up.

Being with her suffocated you, you needed air.

You stop telling her about how your day went,

You don’t tell her about how you only had suya for dinner the night before,

About how a colleague was eating eba and beans soup at the office,

About a sun dress you wanted to buy for her cause you know it would look good on her,

About how you want to add Sunny Nneji’s oruka ti dowona to the list of songs to be played on the wedding day.

 

About a kid you saw on your way back,  the kid made you think of how your future child will have her brain and beauty.

 

You no longer call her back.

You say she doesn’t understand you.

All she does is nag.

All you want now is to be alone, you said.

You want to find yourself, you said.

 

 

 

Contortion

 I’m tired. Of disappointments; of giving my heart to people who in the end let go of it, make it extra red and broken.

Of broken promises; made by everyone including me.

I can’t find the  woman I thought I’d grow into.

The woman who will live by her rules, the one who was going to live life right and not make  life changing mistakes.

I often ponder on how it all came stumbling down.

Was it when I gave my heart to Kunle? Was it when I decided to forget about my dreams and help him achieve his?      Was it when I let him own me completely and made him my god, my oxygen?

I remember bleeding that night after we came back from a health centre.

My hands on my womb.

He led me out with his left hand, his right hand held my  luggage and he said in his husky voice “Amarachi, go and get a life” just before he locked the door to the house.

What life? We just uprooted that life. My baby. Our baby. Not our baby, he had said on that day.

I started to walk and tried to dust off the disappointment, the wasted years, the hope I had and I tried to clean the little left…the blood.

Who lets herself give up the opportunity to have a baby at 35?

Oh! The pain I felt was so extreme that it caused a writhing. The loneliness I felt after 7 years of being with him.

I went into this because I thought this was it, love finally! Only to get it unfurled from the mud, darker, unfamiliar and hard to get through.

I look out of my window now and I cannot imagine Kunle’s new bride.
The one his family approved of.

 Where do I go from here?